I had a dream...

I had a dream... not like the ones Martin Luther King Jr. had, but something that spoke to me powerfully both during and long after I was awaken by the dream....

There was a war going on. Everyone was involved in it. I don't remember who was fighting who, but the whole nation (if not the whole mankind) was engaged in it - without anyone being cynical or opposed to it at all. Everyone was supporting the war, doing everything they could to help. And, I was helping as a chaplain - like my current day job. And, Kathy, my wife, helping as pharmacist - again, like her current day job.

Both Kathy and I were stationed at a headquarter. Not really involved with any real combat but helping out with the main base where soldiers were getting ready to be deployed into the combat zone.

On one particular day, I was asked to spend time with a group of soldiers who were getting deployed to the combat zone that day. It was for me to be present with them in their final preparation time - to give them emotional lift in any way I could. But, in that final preparation time something powerful happened for me. The general asked each soldier in the group to say something about how they feel about being deployed into the combat zone. One by one, the soldiers spoke. Not in any rehearsed way, they spoke openly and honestly. Some trembling, and some in shaking voice, they spoke of fear - fear of unknowns, fear of possibly never returning back to this place.

The soldiers, however, did not stop at talking about their fears. Each went on to say, again honestly and openly, how despite of their fears they are committed to fighting this war - so much that they are willing to give up their life for it. There was no doubts, no hint of reservation in their voice. Yes, fear, but no holding back. And, in that moment, I experienced the power of one's ultimate sacrifice. What it means to give up the very last thing that is yours - your own life. The emotions of fear, yet the willingness and commitment to sacrifice for a cause that is bigger than your own life. As I was listening to their stories, I heard and learned what it means to give your all to something.

And, the dream goes on to a place I was absolutely not prepared for. An assistant to the general, pointing at me, asks him whether they should also take me with the rest of the group! It happened so fast, and I was speechless at hearing this suggestion. Things were happening fast suddenly. The soldiers were now getting ready to move out, the general seemed in hurry, and with only a short pause, states, "if we need to take him we will." What? I said to myself. What do you mean, "if we need to take him?" No one ever said, I need to go with this group. It was a mere suggestion by your assistant. No one asked for it, and you can simply say No!

But, all this shouting in my dream was unheard. I was shouting inside of me. But, I was speechless. The decision was made. And, I had few hours to get everything ready, and report with the group - to be deployed to the combat zone, with all those fears I was feeling for the soldiers but now suddenly feeling it in me in deeper level. I was looking for excuses not to go, but there was none. And, slowly, my heart started to tell me, it was time for me to go. I thought I was doing my best to serve the war by being a chaplain but it was now my time to give my life for it - a full surrender, sacrifice, and commitment.

I wanted to talk to Kathy. Wondering how I will break this news to her, how she would react to it, and in a small way hoping that she will oppose it so much that I will have an excuse not to go. But, when I broke the news to her, yes, she was shocked at first, but soon accepted the fact that it was time for me to. It was time for me to give my all, and Kathy knew it in her heart. We said goodbyes, and I woke up.

And, for a long time, I was lying in my bed, replaying the dream, and mostly revisiting the powerful emotions I felt when I was hearing the stories of the soldiers and also last when I was suddenly expected to give my life completely. I was more scared than any other times in my life. It was an emotion of fear that I had never felt before. And, it was an act of surrender I had never had to do in my life. And, as I was lying there thinking about the dream, I realized this is what it means to give my life fully to God. This was what Jesus had to go through, and what he expects me to go through as well. Surrendering my life, my will, my future is not just a spiritual thing to say, but if you really mean it it is born out of real fear and hesitation. But, when a commitment is made out of this fear, it will remain strong and unwavering. It will even be an experience of true freedom.

As I think about this dream again, I don't know why I had this dream that night. Maybe I was watching too much reports on the current war on Iraq. Maybe I had been thinking about what is my next step of spiritual journey with God. Whether I have really given my all to God and what He wants from me. Maybe I have some fear of losing something dear to me. For instance, would I ever be able to surrender Kathy?

Whatever caused this dream, I know what it caused in me. I taught me in a powerful way that I have a long way to go in giving my life fully to God. Yes, it is what I say and what I want to do. But, no way I have given my life fully to him yet. There is so much more. And, it will be fearful at times. But, God is calling me to face those fears. And, God wants me to still choose him. There will be no excuses, no one to turn to, even Kathy. When God looks at my eyes and asks for more of me, I should be ready. I know I will be - because the Holy Spirit will be there to help me. Well, maybe God has already asked for it from me. God is already asking for my life. And, with all that fear and reservations, I pray I may continue to say yes to his calling...