Virginia Tech

In the beginning, I was STUNNED and HORRIFIED like everyone else. "Not again! How many died??? What kind of psycho did it this time?"

But, as I began to learn the identity of the killer, I became distressed on a different level. "An Asian did it?" "What, a Korean American???" I felt SHAMED and almost APOLOGETIC.

First of all, on this day (5 days since the event), I still feel very sorry for the losses of innocent lives. I think as the shock value is wearing off a little, it's becoming more and more painful to think about all those young lives that are cut short and the grieving that their family has to go through for a long time to come. And, how about the professors who died. They probably never thought that they would die while teaching in classrooms when they first signed on to be teachers. What a loss, what a tragedy, and my heart and prayer goes to everyone who have been directly affected by this event.

On a more personal level, though, this event has made me think about many things - the state of America as a nation, what it means for me to be an American, and how I should live my life as an American.

In short, this event, in some strange ways, made me take more ownership of this nation that I have lived for the past 20 some years. It's no longer a nation that I "happen" to live in, or a society that I am trying to "fit in". More importantly, it's not a society that make me and other ethnic people feel suppressed and discriminated against - a sort of "victim mentality". Rather, I'm powerfully reminded that we are all in this together - the majority and minorities... the entitled and the marginalized... We are in this together because we all have the potential to affect others - both for good and in this unfortunate way for bad. Yes, this guy was a crazy guy, but through his crazy act, I saw the civic responsibility we all have toward building a safer and more just society. And, that includes culturally marginalized people like myself and other Asian Americans.

I pray for God's healing in the hearts of many who were directly affected by this event. But, I also pray that this event will give everyone a new sense of civic responsibility that goes beyond assimilation into the majority and one that is more powerful than feelings of victim-mentality that often result from one's failure to assimilate. And, I now know it starts from me.